Sometimes the internet hits too damn close

[eviltammy]

or at least, people on the internet do :)

WLS= weight loss surgery

I Hate WLS – Here’s Why I’m Having It


My response & others here: http://thesugarmonster.livejournal.com/113377.html

I cried. And kept crying. Because it was me.

I'm wanting the surgery because I just can't function - I'm 400 lbs, diabetic, asthmatic, depressed, can't walk more than a few feet without pain and loss of breath... You know the list. I'm also unemployed and uninsured - and working to get on disability so I can have the surgery to get off disability :)

I know it won't be a miracle cure and I know I have issues that I need to work on if I want it to work - and I am trying. I started therapy, am trying to get into a routine of water aerobics (which I enjoy - water is heaven and it's always so disappointing to get out) and am trying Weight Watchers to help myself learn more about food.

And I've been there with the toilet issues - I've lost a lot of flexibility - and have short arms :)
And had the joy of having the odor issue brought up by my supervisor. I found workarounds, but I know I still have those problems. And it's an issue I've never seen much discussion about (and if anyone has, I'd love to pointed there).

I got a handicapped placard for my car because of my knees. I spent money I shouldn't have because I went to a library conference to score freebies in the exhibit hall - and found I wore myself out getting down *to* the exhibits and not being able to walk the hall (never thought of checking for those scooters). And finally started using those scooters in stores because I just can't walk them without intense pain.

I don't care about being thin - I can't imagine I'll ever be that. I just want to be able to go places where a 2 minute walk won't leave me gasping and in pain.

Thank you for your bravery and eloquence.



and here's the stupid thing - that I just realized I really need to tell my therapist:

Doing this stuff - WW, therapy, YMCA - so that I can get healthy also makes me feel guilty.

Because the only reason I have the money to do this is because Mom died and I got some money and the house.

And I *know* that's so fucking stupid that I should be slapped, but I still feel that way.

(Heh, Ember just jumped up on my desk, licked my hand, and headbutted my hand for scritches. Then, of course, she wanted treats for distracting me.)

Not all the time, I don't think. At odd times, I still think there was something I should have done that would have stopped her from dying. I know part of it is how sudden it was - thinking about Dad doesn't do this to me. Partly because I was so much closer with Mom, but mostly the circumstances. The car wreck, a month in intensive care never waking up - even though I still hoped, it wasn't such a shock. But Mom - it all spiraled down to that one night when she was feeling so bad and fell out of bed. I guess I think I should have gotten the rescue squad people to do something else besides getting her up and into her chair in the other room. Then finding her dead the next morning. Damn, that stupid Buffy episode just flashed through my head again - but that was what it was like. We were supposed to be going to the doctor the next day to see if they could tell her what that damn tremor was all about. And I feel guilty about *that* - she had an earlier appointment, but postponed it to go on another useless job interview with me for the fun of the traveling.

It's so silly - I loved the whole Methos "I haven't felt guilt since the 11th century" thing - I didn't do guilt trips. Didn't go on them, didn't let other people send me on them. Now? Roller coaster with a never-ending first drop.

Okay... I feel a lot better after typing all that out. But maybe I should send a link of this to my therapist?

Comments

[baiacou.livejournal.com]

T, do you remember ZK, from HIGHLA-L? She had WLS about a year ago and completely paid for it herself. I know she'd be happy to talk to you about her experience. Would you like her email address?

Oh, and: Your mother would be glad that you're taking steps to be more healthy. You do what you gotta do with what you have to do it with. More than that cannot be asked of anyone. If WLS is your best option, go for it.

::hugs::

[otterevil.livejournal.com]

Of course I remember ZK! Yes please on the email address. Thanks!

If I thought I could do it without the surgery, I would - I totally hate the idea of WLS. But I feel like it might be the only way to start myself towards being able to get fit. But if I'm doing well at fitness/health issues when I get disability and get qualified to have the surgery, I'll look at it again really hard - I'd love to *not* have any more surgery :)

::hugsback::

[ithildyn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you probably should point your therapist this way :)

I know we've talked about this a lot over the years, and yeah, I'm selfish -- I want you around when we're little old ladies so we can sit on the porch and watch the cute gardener. We have plans!

You mom would be thrilled at the steps you've been taking, and she wouldn't want you to feel guilty. I know you know that, but I figured reinforcement can't hurt.

Just remember I love you, and so do lots of others. And all of us here for whatever you need from us.

[HUGS]

[otterevil.livejournal.com]

::hugsback::

I know :) to all of the above - that article/post just hit me hard. I did send the link to my therapist - she said it was good stuff and we'd talk about it at our next appointment on Oct. 6, which is fine - it wasn't an OMGINEEDHELPNOW!!! thing - it hurt then and I did ignore all the responses for a couple of days, but I'm okay :)

[diavestra.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

First, I'd say not to feel guilty. And I know it's a lot easier to say that than it is to feel it. But try.

As far as WLS goes, my SIL had it...gosh, I think it's been over 2 years ago now. She managed to lose 200 pounds and is in much better shape physically. She'll also be the first to tell anyone that it's not a "quick fix", that it's something that she still has to work at. But it gave her what she needed to be able to do so. So if someone needs something like WLS to help, then it's not a bad thing. (My MIL had it last year, as well, and I think she's one of those who didn't particularly need it. But that's just me...)

As far as your therapist goes? Yeah, send the link. :)

[otterevil.livejournal.com]

::hugsback::

The guilt is totally irrational and I know it - and most of the time it's easily ignored. I think that post just hit some buttons.

And I think I might need to take lots of Kleenex to the next session :)

I'm glad it worked well for your SIL - the cousin who had it was happy with it too. Not sure of what she lost. As for the other, I think way too many people are going for it who don't need it - and the people who recommend it for kids really piss me off. No one really knows the long long-term effects on the body and screwing around with bodies that haven't even matured yet is just insane.

[diavestra.livejournal.com]

Rob's uncle, whom I have no idea what he weighs but I'm guessing it has to be close to 500 lbs., if not more, is going to have it. I don't have any of the details on when he's going but I think he's another case of it being a Good Thing.

Having such extreme weight issues on both sides of the family (not quite as bad on my side, but look at me. Or rather, please don't look at me because I'm two people these days) is one of the reasons we've also been so watchful of Matt and his eating habits and exercise. Luckily, he's aware of good nutritional habits and does a pretty good job of policing himself. He has a tendency to spend too much time at the computer or in front of the XBox, though, so we watch that. He's in karate now, though, so there's that and all the activity he gets at school.

[otterevil.livejournal.com]

Karate's good. :)

With the weight issues in the families, he'll probably have some issues, but from everything I've been reading lately, the nutritional habits and the activities can keep most health issues at bay - and that's what's important.

Even though the media would have you think otherwise.

[miyeko.livejournal.com]

{{{{{Tammy}}}}}

I hope the WLS helps you. I've heard that for many diabetics, it makes you asymptomatic (depending on how long you've had the disease), but only the Roux-en-Y version (more invasive), not the lapband.

[otterevil.livejournal.com]

::hugsback::

From some of the things I've read, just increasing my fitness levels could help enough to get me off insulin or, at least, decrease the amount of drugs I do have to take. Of course, that means I'd have to actually exercise! Gasp! Shock and awe! Wailing madly! :)